Say What You Feel Without Hurting Who You Love

Can I confess something to you? When I'm bothered, my natural inclination isn't always to immediately tell you what's wrong. Sometimes... I get quiet. My tone changes, and my responses get shorter.

I might say, "Nothing's wrong," while everything about my energy is communicating that something is definitely wrong. Maybe you can relate. I've had to recognize that one of my tendencies when I'm frustrated or hurt can be passive-aggression.

Instead of clearly communicating what bothered me, I can sometimes expect the other person to figure it out. And if they don't? Now I'm frustrated that they're not picking up on something I never actually communicated. Sounds ridiculous when you write it out, doesn't it? But I think a lot of us do some version of this.

Some people shut down.

Some explode.

Some become sarcastic.

Some withdraw affection.

Some avoid the conversation altogether.

And some of us say, "It's fine," while internally building a case against the other person.

So here's the question I've been sitting with:

If I expect people to respect how I feel, am I willing to communicate how I feel in a way they can actually understand?

WHAT I'M LEARNING

Last week, we talked about what happens when you say you're fine but you're really not. There's another layer to that conversation. Once you've identified what you're feeling...What do you do with it?

Emotional awareness without healthy expression can still leave you stuck.

You can know you're angry. You can recognize you're disappointed. You can identify that something hurt you. But if the only ways you know how to express those emotions are avoidance, aggression, silence, sarcasm, or shutting down...there's still work to do.

I'm learning that healthy emotional expression requires both honesty and responsibility.

Honesty says: "This bothered me."

Responsibility says: "Now how do I communicate that without unnecessarily hurting you?"

That's emotional maturity. It's not suppressing what you feel to keep everybody comfortable. But it's also not giving yourself permission to say whatever you want simply because you're upset.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
— James 1:19

Notice Scripture doesn't say don't become angry. It speaks to what we do around the anger. Because sometimes what comes out of our mouth first isn't actually what we're feeling.

We say: "You never listen to me."

But underneath that might be: "I don't feel heard."

We say: "Whatever. Do what you want."

But underneath that might be: "I feel like what I want doesn't matter."

We say: "Leave me alone."

But underneath that might actually be: "I'm overwhelmed and I need a little time before I can have this conversation well."

Sometimes the work isn't simply learning how to speak. Sometimes it's learning how to translate what's happening inside of you before you speak.

REFLECT + RESPOND

What is my default communication pattern when I’m emotionally activated Do I withdraw? Attack? Avoid? Become sarcastic? Shut down?
What am I usually hoping the other person will understand without me actually saying it?
What makes it difficult for me to directly communicate what I need?

THIS WEEK'S PRACTICE

(FEEL IT. NAME IT. SAY IT.)

The next time something bothers you, resist the urge to immediately react. Try this instead.

FEEL IT: Pause long enough to notice what's happening inside of you.

NAME IT: Get underneath the initial reaction.

Instead of only "I'm mad," ask: "What specifically hurt me?"

Maybe you feel dismissed.

Disrespected.

Overlooked.

Unappreciated.

Embarrassed.

Disappointed.

Next...

SAY IT: Communicate what you discovered without attacking the other person.

Try: "When ______ happened, I felt ______. What I need/would appreciate is ______."

For example: "When the decision was made without talking to me, I felt overlooked. I would appreciate being included in that conversation next time."

That's different from: "You clearly don't care what I think."

One communicates your experience. The other assumes somebody else's intentions. And there's a big difference.

You won't always communicate perfectly. Neither will I. But the goal isn't perfection.

The goal is becoming healthier in how we handle what we feel.

QUOTE TO CARRY

"Emotional maturity isn't pretending something didn't bother you. It's learning how to communicate what bothered you without allowing the emotion to control the conversation."

WHAT ARE YOU READY TO CHANGE?

Maybe you've been struggling with confidence. Maybe you're navigating a major transition. Maybe you know what you need to do but can't seem to get yourself moving. Or maybe you're leading a team that needs a stronger culture of accountability, communication, and emotional resilience.

That's where coaching can help.

I offer 1:1 life coaching and group coaching experiences for organizations and teams designed to help people build emotional resilience, gain clarity, strengthen leadership, and turn insight into action.

If you're ready to stop going in circles and start moving differently, let's talk.

SCHEDULE YOUR DISCOVERY SESSION

I WANT TO BE YOUR NEXT SPEAKER

Whether I'm speaking to an organization, facilitating a workshop, or coaching someone through their personal development, my goal is the same:

Help people move from simply functioning to becoming mentally and emotionally healthier which results in better decision making and improved focus.

If your organization, school, ministry, or leadership team is looking for a speaker or facilitator around mental health, emotional intelligence, burnout prevention, resilience, self-worth, or leadership development, I'd love to have a conversation with you.